In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
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I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
How animals would run if they were human
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind