[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
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My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?