How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
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America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we鈥檝e technically already served the time for it
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
will i understand 28 days later if i haven鈥檛 first seen 28 days
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
馃幎 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 馃幎
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Grey鈥檚 Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone鈥檚 life. She never wins.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resum茅 list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.