How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
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[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
emergency phone
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired