@theshantilly: How long can one listen to a kid talk before it's officially considered a hostage situation?
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@MrGeorgeWallace: I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let 'em fight that shit out.
@jazmasta: By the way it was me who set those sheep free to roam around the courtroom during your divorce hearing. In case ewe were wandering.
@Deirdreocx: [Cops have a warrant for my arrest] Cops: you're coming with us! *Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away* Foot chase ensues.
@sageboggs: "OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??" -me watching gymnastics