How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
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Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Chicken bread
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.