@doooiiiit: How long do I have to sleep before I'm legally a bear?
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@_GrahamPatrick: GUY #1: You free next week? GUY #2: Let me just check my dairy. GUY #1: You mean diary yeah? *cow walks by with "dentist 11.30" on it*
@Donnie_Fairburn: [First day as a superhero] Oh hell yeah! *sees a crime happening* Already? Ok... *the bad guy looks really mean* Umm, I'll get the next one
@jimmytorosian: *Rubs lamp* *Nothing happens* Where's the genie? *Takes off lampshade* What's wrong with this thing?
@VerifiedDrunk: Twitter handles are what would happen if the DMV let everyone put whatever they wanted on their license plates.