How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
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scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Meow
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.