@doooiiiit: How long do I have to sleep before I'm legally a bear?
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@ibid78: [my 1st day as a doctor] I can't find a pulse [patient] that's a trashcan. I'm over here [me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying
@Mickey_McCauley: Flirtation tip: glue a dead wasp to your hand before the date, then snatch at the air beside her head and show her the wasp. Say "close one"
@buhsbaby_baby: When you unfollow me, I find your name on a Coke bottle, shake it up, put it back on the shelf and whisper "suck it" under my breath.
@Playing_Dad: [At job interview] Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?