@weinerdog4life: How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?
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@misfarber: Poor helium. I like to imagine there's a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
@Tommytoughstuff: [the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week] ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I'm not dead!
@Canadian_Cutie_: First date *dont let him know you been stalking him Him- so my brother just got deployed Me: Josh or Brian?