@weinerdog4life: How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?
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@HeyZeus666: At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.
@idiosity: Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
@Gentlemenhood: Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
@imence2: "My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth" was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?