@weinerdog4life: How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?
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@SethMacFarlane: Hey online media: "Comfortability" isn't a word. The noun you're looking for is "comfort." And it doesn't need you to give it a fancy hat.
@tastefactory: [zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
@panmidwest: How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
@astutenewf: Whenever I'm behind a college girl in starbucks she has to order a triple mocha dark chocolate raspberry ugg boot white iphone 5 spice latte