@weinerdog4life: How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?
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@girlontapas: Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you're a hero but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
@AmericanGent69: Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on Did you just take my picture? Me: *starts to make thunder noises
@GuyConfused: Love my pillow so much because it doesn't leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.