I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
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Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*