How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
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My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.