How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
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That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”