When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
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“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Thursday Thought.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
#Caturday
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.