3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
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5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.