How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
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no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*