How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
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Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense