How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
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Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
*checks Timeline*…
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
every college guy’s fridge
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?