How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
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Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.