How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
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Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
HR said no more nunchucks.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?