[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
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Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts