How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
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When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
*launders Kohls cash*
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job