How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
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First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.