How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
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What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Air pods looking like an angry frog
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.