How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
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if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.