How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
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If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.