How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
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(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.