How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
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Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.