How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
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I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory