How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
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Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late