How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
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Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.