“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
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detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see