“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
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detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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also my go-to takeaway order
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*