How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
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Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.