Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
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me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
No chill.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive