As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”