@ericsshadow: How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
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@: *Movie's 10 second sex scene begins My dad who's been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin'
@myonlymizztake: Note to self: Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
@DurtMcHurtt: [making out] ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand* GIRLFRIEND: omg really? ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
@iGreenMonk: "Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!" "Do you drink a lot?" "Not really - I spill most of it!"