“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
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So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Stop sending me this shit.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm