How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
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Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”