How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
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I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or