How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
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OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
😂💯
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.