How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
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[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.