@NikatNiteNite: How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
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@bornmiserable: My greatest fear is that I'll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
@thezwickers3: In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it's in.
@SortaSarcastic: Addiction therapist: You've tweeted 36k tweets in a year. Me: Yeah, so? Therapist: What are you paying me for? Me: Material. Therapist: ...
@iamlaurenp: Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting? Biden: Young Metro. Obama: Why did you call- Biden: Shhh. I got this.