I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
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ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?