@SteveSuckington: How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
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@DanMentos: "So Dave died" Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things "Both. it was a suicide pact" *dave walks in* hey guys
@hippieswordfish: when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent
@CornOnTheGoblin: ? Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly There's a robbery in progress Suspect is white & in his 50s And high on gluuue ?
@SuperJuanderer: If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait... that's for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead.