How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
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What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
*3.5 thank you very much.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood