@markleggett: How many kids do you think Wolverine has? Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn't look like he'd wear a rubber or pull out.
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@ValeeGrrl: 37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
@djdarrellripley: Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems... Well, you've always got my number. Me: Yes, is it still 666?
@patnelke: My kids have voted, and the results are in. It's official, I've been elected the President of Empty Threats.
@iwearaonesie: me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, "Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish"? wife: Go to sleep