How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
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McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”