‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
You Might Also Like
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
At least my masseuse has my back.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.