‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
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first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Woke up against my better judgment again
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant