How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
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Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree