How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
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You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Perfect
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.