How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
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My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
*praying for world peace*
God:
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.