@WolfpackAlan: How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
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@KrazykurtKurt: When #EgyptAir announced "he's not a terrorist, just an idiot" My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
@Jade_VK: I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
@LMGinTN: This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it's contagious.
@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She thinks I'm stupid "He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex" HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?