@mrtruthandsoul: How many minutes after someone's fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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@darrinfb: You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don't know them.
@1CarParade: If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
@bourgeoisalien: I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream 'SURPRISE' directly in my cat's face
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: *puts six steaks on the grill* Wife: Don't you think that's too much? It's just us and the kids. Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?