How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
It’s an epidemic…
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.