I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
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ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.