How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
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Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.